i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
