im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The ass gains better be worth it
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