I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
