my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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