There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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