Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This is classic penis vs brain.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
