I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
