I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
