alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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