and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
this boner is exhausting
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
