You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
