Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
