i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
