I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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