i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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