OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
