toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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