I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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