Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
