i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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