Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
