maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
