ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
