When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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