omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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