I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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