my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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