Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
