ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
