My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
