proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Randomize
