chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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