Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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