nut hugger
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
