She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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