Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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