It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
