I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
