A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my being single is dangerous.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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