He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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