As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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