did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
