I'm gonna have a badass scar
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
