Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
