im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
