So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
