Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
