its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
