also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
