new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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