I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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