i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
