What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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