me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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