remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
